There are times when everything functions just as it should, or so I’ve been told. Right now things are not. We are hitting the reset button, starting over, again. And I guess it is something that we will need to continue to do throughout the rest of our lives. We don’t have an ordinary family. It is extraordinary, different, complex. We have mental and physical issues that are present every single day and detour our plans so frequently that making plans seems pointless. But we do it anyway. We restart. Scrap the last one, grab a fresh new piece of paper and plan again. I’m not going to lie, I am exhausted. In every way. And yet, each and everyday I get up and begin again.
I used to pray, I used to go to church, I used to cry out to God. It became apparent that something else had to be done. The constant disappointment of not being rescued from my situation discouraged the remaining tendrils of faith I had left. They evaporated. Is He there? I don’t know anymore. I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that He is both there and not there at the same time. I can’t completely let go, nor can I fall headlong into full submission to faith. I’m in limbo.
I’m still looking for Him, for myself as well. I am reminded of the crush I had on a boy that lasted for years. Towards the end, all I wanted was the opportunity to say no. Because I was hurt. I knew that he knew I liked him, but he wouldn’t act on it, so I hung in limbo for a very long time. Eventually I stopped caring altogether, moved on with my life, my feelings, other relationships.
My son pushes me to question everything. I am supposed to be his teacher and yet, he teaches me. My daughter too. We tried to place our children in public school this year and while it is working well for my daughter, it is not for my son. In fact it set him back. Between his ASD, Anxiety, OCD, ODD, ADHD, and his extremely high intellect, well, it’s over. Done. I cannot send him back there. Today we have to discuss with his teachers what options he has. I believe the only option once again is homeschooling, or rather a closer approximation to unschooling is necessary. I am tired and I want to run away from these issues. I don’t have any fight left in me.
Everyday I walk, first thing in the morning, sometimes midday, last thing at night. It’s for the dog. But it is also for me. I notice things on my walk, I hear things, see things, feel things. It allows me time to process, it allows me time with no one else in my head, no other voices. These are things I notice, time slipping by, imperceptible changes that are revealed all at once, is there this much pain in others homes, I think as I walk by their back yards. Is it only mine?