Unconventional

I don’t think like others do. I’m told have been created unique. I believe I have God given talents and desires that I squelch. I have crazy outlandish ideas that for a few hours I can contemplate fully, and then, I chicken out.
Why?
It’s hard to be different. It is easy to be rebellious, I have been that my entire life, but is there a way to turn that streak into something that God can use for His glory?
I don’t fall under any category. I don’t fit. don’t fit in…
My friendships don’t last and I dare not invest too much of myself in them. Can’t get back that part of your heart that you have given away. That has been mashed and pulverized and tossed aside, worthless to those you trusted most with it.
What defines a person?
The job or career? The number of kids? Where you live, where you donate? How many friends on facebook?
I am so many things and yet I know not what I am.
Mother, homeschooler, dog groomer, writer, Christian, friend, sister, sunday school teacher, God worshipper, complainer.
What defines me?
Is it my character, my attitude?
Who am I?
Why do I matter? Do I matter?
Am I really chosen, hand-picked? Aren’t we all?
When I do not jump at the opportunity given me, it disappears to be taken up by someone else.
I wonder how I will survive the winter here, the darkening days, the lack of blue sky.
Sometimes when I feel like this, it helps to open my bible. Sometimes I am given just the right verse to help me along, to let me know that He is listening, that His heart aches along with mine.
I have more questions than answers…
And then I read, “And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake, but he who perseveres and endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22. Sigh… the end seems so far away and an awful lot of hatred in the middle…
And then I also read, “We are treated as unknown and ignored by the world, and yet we are well-known and recognized by God and His people; as dying and yet here we are alive, as chastened by suffering and yet not killed.” 2 Corinthians 6:9.
And also, “If anyone serves Me, he must continue to follow Me (to cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying) and wherever I am, there will My servant be also. If anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him. 27 Now My soul is troubled and distressed, and what shall I say? Father, save Me from this hour (of trial and agony)? But it was for this very purpose that I have come to this hour (that I might undergo it).” John 12:26-27
So, do I take comfort in these words? My flesh certainly does not. I don’t like pain, or agony! But my Spirit, my Spirit knows that to call out to be saved from my trials may well be folly. For only God knows His purposes and plans for our lives and while that is not always the most comfortable thing to know, it is comforting. Especially when you read, “For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Trusting that God has plans for good for my life is hard sometimes when I see how He has used others, how pain is sometimes required, how poverty is sometimes necessary, and even more.  It is not an easy road, it is not always fair in my eyes, but my eyes are not the final judge.

I know that I have been chosen, and I am often scared about the road I am on, and know just getting through life might seem easier for someone who does not choose to follow Christ.  But not only have I been chosen, but I also choose Him.  I feel like I am still climbing the mountain on a roller coaster and soon I will crest the top and fall.  I don’t know what is on the other side, but changes are coming, I can hear the click-click-click, slowing down as I get to the top.  Thank God He is holding onto me, because I know I am going to scream all the way down.

Thank you to Sarah Markley and her post today at www.sarahmarkley.com for getting me thinking and writing about being chosen.